Fff...

[onewhitecrow]

So apparently the minor routine disruption/stressful stranger interaction of a house-visiting charity guy (he was funny and professional, but Hell no I am not direct debiting any charity) around new moon is enough to a) cause me to curl in a ball and fight not to cry from the stress spike afterwards b) give me trouble going downstairs again to make supper, because Irrational Brain has identified downstairs as an area of vulnerability.

What the hell, nervous system? Telling y'all mostly in case public shaming makes the Illogic vanish rationalising enough to word helps, but suggestions to help in convincing my instincts that randoms aren't going to interrupt/take food away from me from folk with anxiety disorders that pull this kind of stupid welcome.

Comments

[sweet_sparrow]

*good thoughts*

I'm afraid I don't really have any suggestions for dealing with this. I'd just hide upstairs until the hunger was louder than Anxiety Brain. ^_^; I also do things that distract me from listening to Anxiety Brain. If I'm too busy with, say, pixel-slaying then my brain has no room left for the Anxiety and it will go away.

*offers plate of salad-with-dressing*

[onewhitecrow]

[exhausted and just now eating cereal at 10pm, having got to the painful stage of hungry] Yeah, that's what I did, but I feel angry and ashamed of myself...meant to make bread tonight as well, but I'm wiped out from spring-related lack of sleep and moon-related lack of energy, so I just made a 'sponge' (yeast-babysitting mix, basically) and crawled back up here again.

I...fail at video games, I think. It's like films - I can have a thing I really want to play/watch/see right there, even, and not get 'round to it because that was a social thing, growing up, and doing it on my own is sort of...well, like going to the cinema on your own. Not that I have the time, generally speaking...but my chest hurts and my sugar levels're all over the place and I've been in a "badly want to talk to people but also have a strong urge to randomly slap people to lead off conversation", so I don't think I'm going to be able to either make a useful query out of that [not work] or be much use in general, sorry. Heads up that I'm not intending to be mean but am out of go, sort of thing. [word fail]

Also the only PBP I'm in right now not currently stalled is super slow and I am missing having elves about very badly right now, so maybe jealous reactions too? I don't know. Emotions are hard.

[drags self over to sniff salad]

[sweet_sparrow]

*soft noise* I'm proud of you for going downstairs and not just fetching food but also making 'sponge'. I know it's not what you intended, but that's a lot to have done while dealing with exhaustion and being in the middle of an anxiety attack.

*gently* It doesn't have to be video games. You want something that'll distract your brain. I wish I could tell you what things distract your brain, but I don't know them. I got the impression origami worked decently for that, so that might be an option.
Ack, I hate those dual moods. They're so hard to gauge! Does companionable silence help you at all?

Jealous reactions to what/who? *thrown* Emotions are very hard, though. It is true. They are even harder when one is exhausted and/or upset. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.

*salad is just plain, fresh lettuce with some bits of tomato and some dressing, nothing fancy*

[onewhitecrow]

[confused by this, but assumes it is a kind of good thought] Thank you. I would offer you some of tommorrow's bread but it would be rubbish by the time it got there. [tries to send good thoughts back, though mostly only has tired]

Breadmaking. Cartoons, sometimes, but not when my nerves are also shot. Origami does need some energy/brain, though. I have an electronic oil puddle bookmarked which works quite well but I overstim with it after a while (like when there's too many pretty pictures in one place to give attention to one and it hurts) so not good for stupid nerves being stupid.
Gauge? No, sorry. I can't read silence; it raises tension for me. You could talk about a book you like, or birds or the weather? Not right now, though - I am genuinely on the verge of facekeyboarding.

You/people playing games and/or having folk to talk to. It's not your fault what works on your brain doesn't work on mine.

[sniffs dressing, then starts trying to arrange tomatoes into a 'to be consumed' pile, but is almost asleep]

'night.

[sweet_sparrow]

*it is definitely a good thought, yes* I appreciate the gesture and the thought behind the offer. ^_^

Hmmm... *thinks* Could you use the oil puddle bookmark in conjunction with something else, you think? So you'd watch it for as long as feels calming/comfortable and then you'd go do something else that's calming. *considers* What about zentangle things or (adult) colouring books? I don't know if those'd be useful to you.
Yes. When I'm in one of those "want to talk, no actually I don't" moods, I... never get them right. I always end up avoiding people when I should be talking to them and talking to people when I really, really don't actually want to. >>
Please don't facekeyboard. Go to bed and facepillow. That's much more comfortable. And do please let me know if you ever want/need someone to talk about random things around you at another date.

Ah. I see. We can try to find things that work for your brain, though. ^_^

Night. *sends good thoughts and good sleeping vibes*

[onewhitecrow]

It was eventually good bread, for the record.

I don't believe so, but I think if I had found another calming thing without downsides I'd be using that instead anyway, no? [looks up what a zentangle is; is bemused] Brain/a point required for the former, else I'd get upset with the ugly, tree-wasting doodle, and colouring other people's drawings feels Wrong to me; that would be highly stressful to attempt. I have mentioned that before, but it is not a very memorable detail. I need to learn to knit, really, but again I sort of need a point...
It's less that and more "I want to talk but am aware I am too dangerously volatile for it to be safe for anyone to talk to me". Excuse yourself politely with a task that isn't actually urgent but can be implied to be so?
Ngh.

So there is no need to be sorry...

[circles, circles, settles]

[sweet_sparrow]

Yay! ^_^

Perhaps, if they had no downsides. I'm asking you whether it's possible for you to combine things that do have downsides, though. Most things will have a downside somewhere, after all. You said some stims aren't useful to you when you're too overloaded for them, so could things like the puddle help enough that you can switch to them?

*bemused by the description* Alas. They might've been very useful if they'd been good things. Does that wrongness go for any and all kinds of art not started by you or could something like connect-the-dots be useful?
Hm. I'd say the obvious points of knitting are gifts for friends and/or warm woollen clothing in winter, but those only get you so far. My grandmum knits hats and dolls for charity, so you could look into something like that if it sounds like that could give you the point needed to make it work. I have a number of friends who knit or crochet, though. If it's helpful I could ask them for ways to make it meaningful for you to do. They'll probably have more/better ideas since they do actually knit.
Hm. So... in those moods it would be helpful for you to talk to people in a way that does not involve them talking back at you?
*shakes head* I started the conversations. I just misjudge which mood I'm going to be in shortly after doing so.

*fetches chewing blanket and leaves it near*

[onewhitecrow]

I don't understand this suggestion...it reads to me like you think half-agitating myself twice would be more relaxing than just doing it once, and I don't really see where that's coming from...honestly, though, I think when it is this hard to explain and you don't remember how I work to know where to start with things, it would maybe be better to suggest things you do know about or just not suggest things.

If you screw up a picture, it is ugly by nature of being screwed up: a zentangle is apparently a kind of picture, albeit the kind I usually draw when engaged with a lecture or other taking-in-information idling. A screwed-up picture also wastes paper and ink by its nature, and wasted resources damn near physically hurt me [has what certain Siberian nomads call an 'open soul']. There is nothing to bemuse, really. ... Yes, yes it does.
I can give them other things, though, and charities are always a problem for me. I would probably knit coats for rescue hens, if I could knit, but I have thus far failed to teach myself, so I cannot. Asking them what someone should start off with might be helpful, thank you. Not the crocheteurs, though.
The opposite, but I cannot signal that.
You could still keep excuses handy in general, though.

[sniffs same]

[sweet_sparrow]

*blinks since that interpretation is the polar opposite of what she was saying* All right. I will do my best not to offer you suggestions on anything in future then.

*blanket is just a big, soft blanket with a length of sturdy rope attached for chewing on. it probably smells a little of hay and/or horse*

[onewhitecrow]

[perplexed and stung] ...be like that, then. Just don't complain when I'm forced to assume you know nothing about anything so as not to ask.

[snorts at horse-scent and wanders off, not keen on a mouthful of soft fluff, no]